It’s not fair that I miss you, it is not fair that I miss someone who doesn't give a fuck, and it is not fair that I care if someone gives a fuck about me missing them.
It is not fair that whenever I’m sad I think of you and it is not fair that When I’m sad I try not to think about you but the freaking’ firehouse nearby my office reminds me of you every single week. I try not to be sad but happy, but its boring, people are boring, I think you are boring, but you are the only boring person that I like right now, the only one who can fart in front of me and I don’t feel disgusted, the only one I can think of not having a straighten teeth and still think is beautiful.
My friends tell me I am nice, and smart and intelligent and independent, and guys ask me out but I compare every one with you, and it’s not fair with them, nor is to you.
This is not about your strong arms or your big dick, it is about how I felt when you were around and how much I hate myself for not being able to find that in someone else who can care about me.
It is not fair to you that I treat you like this, but I don’t give a fuck, I don’t care because you are pretty far, and you cannot see my face when writing this
It’s not fair that I contain my impulse of going up to Chicago, and it is not fair all the fear that I feel whenever I think about going there and see you again. Because all the things that I want to say turn in silence when you are around and I act like an idiot who cannot control herself.
It is not fair that I do everything that is possible to stay out of your life (you keep me out anyways) but I am always worried about the fact of losing you in a real way, like something can happen to you and how would I know. Reading news about Chicago? Or just writing a silly message to see if you reply and that way I can keep breathing because my Zack is still alive.
Life is unfair, we both know, but still is awesome that I got so vulnerable in front of someone who is not even close to who I thought I would be falling for when younger. I don’t talk with you about books, or music or philosophy (well maybe we do in a kind of way) but not in academic style, which was and it is my style to judge people. It is awesome how fascinated I get when I listen to your words because they sound sophisticated and I love when languages sound that way.
It is awesome that I want to be a better person since I met you, but I still manage not to lose my identity to become what you would like in someone, cause I don’t know you, so I don’t know what you look for in a person,
And I don’t know if it is pathetic or not but whenever I’m making choices I say to myself, yeah, this is right, this is good, and If Zack were close by, he might be saying, Nice Alejandra, although I hate myself for thinking that way too.
We might just end up having sex every 5 years whenever we meet, cause it is fun, or maybe not, I don’t care, I can keep becoming amazing and keep myself young and beautiful, so I can pass by when you are fat and bald, and say, hey…it is so good to see you again.
Cause I already fucking know how gooooood it is to see you again, and it is not fair, cause I was fine, or at least trying till the day I saw you after I thought It couldn't be possible ever again.
Anyways, I'm just saying all this that I might regret in few minutes cause I got nothing to lose, cause as long as time goes by things get blurrier, but I don’t know when I will die, or when would you. Not being dramatic, just thinking that life cannot be taken for granted So I need to take the chance and thank you for that morning when the last thing I heard before going to my daily routine was you in my bed wishing me a good day at work.
I hate you, and I love you and I miss you and it is not fair.
I can deal with that (or at least I think I can)
I wrote this 4 years ago. I know is full of sadness, and it has tons of mistakes and I still think the end of this story wasn't fair.